| I'm Employed! (kind of) |
[Sep. 8th, 2009|10:38 am] |
I've started watching a friend's baby four days a week. She called me last week in a jam and asked if I could watch him for two days until she could get him into daycare this week. The two days went pretty smoothly and over the weekend she asked if I'd like to do it on a permanent basis. I weighed out the pros and cons and decided to go for it! The extra money will be nice and I'm hoping it will help Brennen learn to interact with other children appropriately. So far, he's been a little on the jealous side and has done some pushing, but nothing too bad. I think he will adjust well as time goes on. This baby, Tanner, is such a good baby! I wouldn't have been able to handle two of them so close in age if he weren't so good.
Both the babies are currently napping and while I should be cleaning or doing something more productive, I'm taking some me time instead.
Life has been very calm lately. We've been spending a lot of time at home and just enjoying the simple life. For a while, things were so hectic. We were moving, rennovating, cultivating new friendships, and just adjusting to our new life. It felt like we never got to relax together because there was always something that had to be done. Finally, things have gotten to the point where we can spend the whole weekend doing nothing. The best times of my life so far have been making pancakes on Saturday morning while listening to Josh and Brennen play in the living room. Helping Brennen ride his ATV around outside and blowing bubbles. I never thought I could appreciate the simple things so much. It still feels so surreal to me sometimes. I never thought that this would be the life I was meant to lead. I certainly never thought that this would be the life that I'd be happiest leading.
Okay, nap time is over so I have to cut this short! |
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| Michigan '09 Trip, Anniversary, Lola's Seizure, and Death |
[Aug. 22nd, 2009|12:43 pm] |
Josh and Brennen are both down for an afternoon nap. It's raining and the house is quiet, so I thought this would be the perfect time to update. Unfortunately, I don't have too much to update about.
I just bought a plane ticket to Michigan for next month. My cousin just gave birth to twin boys on August 10th. They were six weeks early, but they were big and healthy and have already been released. I am so excited to meet them. I'm an only child so these kids are the closest thing Brennen will have to cousins in my family. I don't know if they are actually 2nd or 3rd cousins though. The last time my family saw Brennen was October of 2008. He wasn't even 3 months old at the time. He's changed so much. I can't wait for everyone to fall in love with him all over again. Josh won't be going. He has a lot going on at work right now and it is just a bad time for him to take a week off. I'm looking forward to missing him though and to being in cooler weather! I am so ready for this hot hot summer to be over with. On days when Brennen is just not a happy camper it'd be really nice to take him to the park and let him burn off all that energy. We took him to the mall today and let him circle it a couple of times. He's got the walking thing mastered.
Josh and I just celebrated 7 years on the 15th. I can't believe it's been that long. It makes me feel OLD! I thing about all that we've been through and how much our relationship has changed and it really just blows my mind.
My cat, Lola, had a seizure the other day. This makes 2 and my dog, Maddy, has also had 2 seizures. This was the first one I actually witnessed from start to finish though. It is absolutely horrible. She starting seizing and screaming and got under my recliner chair and started getting tangled in the bars underneath. Her vet told me that they know something is wrong and instinct tells them to get somewhere safe, so I think that is what she was doing. Then she didn't move, for a very long time, and I lost it. I thought she was dead. Her eyes were wide open and I couldn't see her breathing. I called Josh at work, sobbing hysterically. So hysterical that he couldn't understand what I was saying. He thought something was wrong with Brennen for a minute there. There wasn't really anything he could do so I called our friends who live down the street. They came right over, but by the time they got here she was fine. I was so upset. The hardest part about the seizures is that I don't understand why BOTH of my animals are having them. They have occurred in 3 different houses, so it's not something to do with where we live. They don't eat the same food or take the same heartworm medication, or use the same flea prevention. The Vet is not much help. He said they don't really prescribe anything for cats since epilepsy medication is so sensitive to weight and a cat weighs so little that it fluctuates often. So there isn't much I can do. I thought about the way I reacted alot of the days after her seizure. I didn't react so emotionally any of the other times. Of course, I didn't see much of the other ones, but I realized that since having Brennen I have some issues with death.
Prior to having him, I wasn't afraid of dying. Of course, I didn't want to lose anyone I loved, but I knew that I'd be okay and that everyone around me would be okay if I was gone, put simply. But the idea of something happening to me and not getting to watch Brennen grow up is nauseating and terrifying. Josh is a great father and Brennen would be well take care of without me around, but I know that no one can replace a Mother. No one can love him as much as I can and do. I know there is no cure for this and if it happens it happens, but the idea of it used to be so much easier to take than it is now.
I think I'm going to join my little family for a nap! |
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| Brennen's Stitches |
[Aug. 17th, 2009|01:26 pm] |
Taken from my Facebook.
We were having Brennen's first Birthday party at a park that had a splash zone for the kids called, "The Puddle in the Park". It has a big mushroom with water cascading over it and various fountains coming out of the ground. Overall, just a neat place for kids to play outside and not pass out in the Florida heat. We also thought it would be a great place for the kids to get dirty and messy eating Birthday cake and then rinse them off before loading them in to the car to go home. We'd been there a few times before and Brennen has always really enjoyed it, so it seemed like the perfect place to get together and celebrate Brennen turning one. Everyone had just arrived and we'd eaten some food and decided we'd better sing Happy Birthday to Brennen and let him have some cake before it melted in the ridiculous Florida heat. He seemed a little irritated by everyone singing to him and refused to eat any cake, so I figured it was time to let the kids get wet in the splash zone. Some of us headed over and some people stayed back at the pavilion. The kids were walking around, playing, enjoying the water and the company of the other children. I decided I was going to head back to the pavilion and have something to eat. After all, I'd already been there for a few hours to decorate. I let Josh know I was leaving and I headed off. Less than 10 minutes later, I see Josh running full speed toward the pavilion. I had no idea why, but the look on his face told me something was wrong. Once he got closer I saw the blood! Blood all over his shirt and blood spilling from Brennen's face. He told me that Brennen had slipped and hit his face on a water spout. At this point, I wasn't entirely sure if he'd been cut or if it was a REALLY bad bloody nose. It didn't take but a few seconds before we knew we needed to head to the hospital. I scooped Brennen up and started towards the car. However, we were in an unfamiliar town with no idea how to get the hospital. Luckily, one of our friends lived there and knew exactly where we needed to go. Josh in the driver's seat, Rob navigating, and me in the back with my screaming bloody baby. This was an instance when I was very glad I was still nursing Brennen. I was able to nurse him and he calmed down, he even stopped bleeding enough so that I could see that he had a laceration right in the middle of his nose and a smaller one on his cheek. By the time we got to the ER, which was only 10 minutes away, but it felt like FOREVER, Brennen was calm and even in a good mood. We sure were a mess walking in though. I was soaking wet and covered in blood. Brennen was also soaking wet and covered in blood and Josh's white shirt was covered in blood. We gave them our information and they sent us to the "Fast Track" unit of the hospital. Thankfully, Brennen was doing fine and didn't seem to be in any pain. He was even entertaining the other ER guests. They sent a nurse to clean him up and he did great. He sat perfectly still for her. He doesn't even sit that still for me to brush his teeth! Then the Doctor came in and said the cut could probably be glued and he wouldn't need any staples. Finally, some relief!! It was a horrible situation, but at least he wouldn't have to get stitches. The Doctor had us lay him down and hold his arms and legs. A nurse was in charge of holding his head still. This is when Brennen started getting upset. He does not like to be restrained. He doesn't even like to lay still for a diaper change. The Doctor applied the glue and attempted to put the pieces of his nose back together, but they wouldn't hold. He nonchalantly said, "This isn't working. We need to stitch him up."
Now, I'd always imagined that I'd freak out in a situation like this. That I'd completely panic and not be able to hold myself together. I was surprised that up until this point, I'd kept a calm and level head. I hadn't cried or felt overwhelmed, but when I heard the word stitches my heart just fell out of my chest and on to the table with my baby. They started with the numbing shots. Three to be exact. Three directly in the laceration. He started to scream and try so hard to free himself from our grasps. The Doctor asked if I wanted to leave and as much as I didn't not want to see this happen, I could not leave my baby. I held his left hand and arm and the stitching began. He cried, and screamed, and pleaded with his eyes. My whole body was on fire with a nearly uncontrollable urge to make it stop. My throat was closing up and the tears were flowing. I wanted nothing more than to take the pain away and I couldn't do a thing. It's the worst thing I've ever felt in my life. I've never felt so helpless and I hope I never have to feel it again. After the stitches were done. Five to be exact. I was able to pick him up. Still screaming. Brennen, Josh, and I cried together for a minute, but it was such a feeling of relief that he was in my arms again. I nursed him one more time and he calmed down. Finally, it was time to go.
We are only two days post accident now and he is doing fine. The stitches look great and he is already healing. I am so proud of my little boy. He handled the situation like a trooper. Josh still feels responsible and terrible, but I think they'll both be just fine in time.
I really want to say a big THANK YOU to our friends at the party. We just left all the food, the cake, the presents, the mess, our other car, EVERYTHING, without a thought as to what would happen to it. We are so grateful to everyone for packing everything, cleaning up, taking our car home, and for your concern for Brennen. We feel really blessed to have each of you in our lives. It's an amazing feeling to know that we have people we can really count on in a crisis. |
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| My One Year Old |
[Aug. 5th, 2009|07:57 am] |
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Brennen turned one last week. What hard pill that was to swallow. It wasn't half as hard as I'd thought it was going to be. I felt more nostalgia and pride than anything else. I just feel like it's all going by too damn fast. I sometimes can't really remember what it felt like to hold him when he was only 9lbs. His Birthday was great! We aren't having his party until this coming Sunday. We pushed it back because Josh's Mother and sister said they would be coming to visit the first week of August. Of course, they didn't make it out here for one reason or another. Actually, I should say, for one excuse or another. Brennen's actual Birthday happened to fall on a day that my parents were staying at a really nice resort about an hour from here. So I decided to go spend the day out there with them. We left as soon as Brennen woke up and spent the morning swimming. I just wanted to do whatever Brennen wanted to do all day. If he wanted to get out of the pool and walk around it 329 times. We did that. I also got to take him to this awesome restaurant in Downtown Disney. It's called T-REX and was created by the creators of the Rainforest Cafe. It's a huge place, with moving dinosaurs, and things hanging from the ceiling. There is also a "meteor shower" every fifteen minutes. The walls would change color and all the dinosaurs would move and make noise. I don't know who was more excited to be there, me or Brennen! Then we did some more swimming. We were both so exhausted by the end of the day that we ended up spending the night. I know he had no clue why that day was special, but I know he had a great time. I'm looking forward to his party. We were going to have it at my parents house, but we took him to a park last Sunday that has a splash zone for kids. He's been there before, but I'd never thought about having his party there, until I saw someone else having a party there. It's a great place. They have a pavillion set up right next to the splash zone, so we can see the kids at all times. Plus, my Mom was stressed out about kids eating cake in her house! Now, they can get as messy as they want and then we can send them back into the splash zone to get clean!
Here are some pictures of him here on Sunday!
Later on when I have more time I plan on writing more about his first year. I still can not believe that I am now the Mother of a One Year Old little boy!
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| Siesta Key |
[Jul. 16th, 2009|07:50 pm] |
We went to the most beautiful beach last weekend. I complain so much about Florida, but after weekends like this last one, I realize that it really is an awesome place. We are only two hours away from so many things. It was so nice to be alone as a family. No friends, no condo, nothing. Just us.
( Clear water and white sand this way )
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| Brennen (of course!), the future, the condo, the economy, the getaway, and a wedding. |
[Jul. 6th, 2009|08:33 pm] |
It's late and I'm probably a little too tired to be updating, but I miss my LJ and I don't want it to die. By late, I mean it's 9:30. Man, I am getting old.
My little baby will be ONE this month. I just can not believe how much time has just flown by since he made his debut in this world. I wonder if time is going to go twice as fast when baby # 2 comes along? I really hope not. I look back at old pictures constantly and am just absolutely amazed at how much he has grown and learned in such a short amount of time. He took his first steps last month. That was so exciting. He's been walking around the house a little since then, but still seems to prefer his warp speed crawling thing.
Josh and I are still debating about the future. I'm trying to decided basically whether I'd rather go back to school or have another baby first. To some people the obvious choice is to go back to school, but it's not really that simple. I probably wouldn't go back for at least another year. Then there would be an additional two years of school. Brennen would be about 4 at this point. I don't really want to have a 5 year difference between babies. Then there would be the question of staying home with the second baby or going to work right after having it? I need to go talk to an adviser about my options and go from there.
The condo is coming along nicely. We got ceiling fans put in the bedrooms and living room and a new light fixture for the dining room. We'd really like to re-do the kitchen, but that will probably have to wait until next year. The homeowner's association is starting some renovations on the outside of the building tomorrow. We're getting new windows. I'm excited about this because we've waited to put up blinds because we knew the dimensions of the windows would change. We have curtains up, but I still feel like people can see in here. Also, our friend's own a window treatment business and will do all of our window treatments at cost, but in this economy their business is failing and they might have to sell it. So we need to get the windows done while we still can.
I feel really lucky that Josh still has a job. Some of my Uncles and Cousins in Michigan have been out of work for a really long time. The economy there is so bad. My friend's parents just lost their house. The worst way it's affected us so far is that Josh should've gotten a raise in January, but he didn't get it until this month because the company couldn't afford to give anyone a raise at that point. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that things get better for everyone.
We are planning on going out of town this weekend. Things between Josh and I have been kind of cold lately. All of our attention (especially mine) is focused on the baby and has been for almost a year now. It's easy to forget that relationships take work and effort and attention, but I'm a firm believer that the best thing you can do for your child (okay, one of the best things) is have a great relationship with your partner. Brennen will of course be coming with us, but it will still be nice for it to just be us. No friends. No family. We've started talking about setting a date to get married. I'd love to just elope, but Josh refuses to do that. He used to have his heart set on a big wedding, but I think I've at least got him talked down to something simple. He always says I'm the "dude" in the relationship. I don't like flowers, I don't like the color pink, and I don't want a big elaborate wedding. I actually love the idea of a big elaborate wedding, but for our situation it's just not feasible. His family has not even made the trip to meet Brennen so I know they would make the trip to see us get married. All of my family is in Michigan. My best friend is in California. We need a new kitchen! I think we're going to talk about it some more this weekend. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 2nd, 2009|10:33 am] |
Eh. It's so humid here. I absolutely hate this about Florida. Maybe if it weren't for the humidity I wouldn't want to leave one day. I went walking this morning and came home drenched. It looked like I'd been running.
Brennen is sleeping and I should be doing something productive, but it's SO nice to just sit at the computer and concentrate on it. Writing is therapeutic. I am so hungry right now. I am starting to think I have a tape worm, just without the extreme weight loss. I've never been hungry like this before in my life. It's been going on for a few months now. It's most likely a combination of birth control and breastfeeding a 24lb. baby. Prior to pregnancy, I rarely got hungry. I've always been a grazer and just ate a little bit constantly. I still do that now, but it doesn't do the trick. I sometimes wake up starving in the middle of the night. It's a gnawing hunger. I even let me friend convince me to take a pregnancy test a few weeks ago. It was negative. I hope this goes away soon. It's annoying. It did help with my April Fools joke yesterday though. I told Josh that I decided to take another test.. and it was positive. I thought he'd freak out, but he didn't. He just got promoted at work and got a raise and was convinced it was meant to be. I felt kind of bad afterward, but I did get him! Which is rare. Baby # 2 will come one day.
We are trying to take a vacation at the end of next month. We are so overdue for one. We've been looking into taking another cruise. They are such a great deal and we wouldn't have to fly anywhere. Flying would not be fun with Brennen right now. My parents said they'd go and help watch him so we could have some time alone. They offered to keep him while we went, but I know there is no way I could do that yet. I can't even leave him overnight yet. The only downside is that we'd have to buy him a ticket! I kind of thought it'd at least be a discounted ticket, but no. A full priced ticket for a baby.
Hopefully we make a decision soon. I need something to look forward to. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2009|01:12 pm] |
Brennen is finally taking a nap! He refused all morning long today and yesterday. Days when he refuses naps are very... looong. I'm trying my best to get him to take at least one two hour nap a day. He naps best in his swing and I'm getting scared because he will soon outgrow the weight limit.
I've been contemplating my next move as far as school or a job goes a lot lately. Last year, when Brennen was born, I told myself (and everyone else) that I'd go back to nursing school this year. Well, the deadline to reapply has come and gone and I did not reapply. I know that it is breaking my parents hearts that I do not have a degree yet. I don't feel great about it either, considering how close I am.. or was. However, in retrospect, I do not at all regret not going to school when Brennen was only 4 weeks old. Not only would it have killed me emotionally, but I do not think I could've kept up with the curriculum. I can barely keep up with washing my hair. I think I was meant to be a stay at home Mom. At least for right now. I can not imagine someone else raising my baby or spending more time with him than I do. It literally makes me tear up to think about. I did speak with an adviser at the Univ. of Central FL and they are in the process of evaluating my transcripts for an Interdisciplinary degree. If I could get that online, without pouring a bunch of time or money into it, then I will. It's basically a general degree with no real concentration. But since I changed my major so many times, I have a variety of courses on my transcript, so this just might work for me. But you have to have an associates degree to apply for it. For some reason the last college I went to did not encourage associate's degrees for some. So I am now in the process of completing one of those online, even though I have double the hours required to get one!
I've been walking with my friend, Vanessa, who lives in the neighborhood. She bought a Radio Flyer wagon because her 1 year daughter doesn't like the stroller. So we've been putting both of the babies in it and walking every morning or evening. I'd really like to be fit again. I weigh less than I did before I got pregnant, but my body is shaped differently now and everything is soft. I still feel fat in certain clothes. I also have acne from hell! I attribute it to this damned birth control bar in my arm. I never should've gotten this thing.
The walking is good though. Being outside is a really good form of therapy for me. I can't wait to swim again!
We bought Brennen a little baby pool last weekend. He was tired, but seemed to enjoy it. It was really cute to watch him crawl around in it. Then he took a really good nap.
I need to take a test online about poems. I used to so enjoy classes that involved a lot of reading. I now dread every single assignment. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2009|10:04 am] |
I really need to update my user info. It's pretty outdated and so are my icons. Darned baby, taking away from my internet time :)
I'm happy to say that I think I am getting myself out of the rut I was in. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of person. This can be a good thing and it can be a bad thing. In this case it was definitely a bad thing. I'd look around at this house with all the boxes lying around and get overwhelmed at the idea of unpacking ALL of them. It took Josh to point out to me that I didn't need to unpack all of them at once. We could work on it together or I could just do a little bit every day. So I ran with that. I've started walking more. Sunshine works wonders. I've also started eating lunch and running errands with my girlfriends at least once a week. It's a slow start, but I'm now longer wallowing in my laziness, looking around my house, feeling sorry for myself. I've also read a great book on helping Brennen to sleep better. Exhaustion does nothing for depression, but I am vehemently opposed to letting my baby cry himself to sleep. So I found other methods. I think we're off to a good start.
We're still co-sleeping. I think I am more reluctant to give it up than Brennen is. I really can't imagine anything more amazing than sharing sleep with the smallest love of my life. I know there will come a day when our cuddling becomes a thing of the past and I will cherish these memories for the rest of my life. I did, however, start putting him to bed a lot earlier. I was under the impression that if Brennen stayed up as late as I did (which was 9 most nights) then he would sleep later. This is a myth. Since I've been putting him to bed around 7 or 8 he's been sleeping better at night and been a happier baby during the day. Then I still have a few hours to spend doing what I need to do or just laying around relaxing with Josh.
Brennen has been crawling up a storm. He is so quick now. It's so fascinating to watch him. He is also pulling himself to standing position on everything lately. I think about my little baby that couldn't even roll over a few months ago and it just blows my mind.
Today, my Aunt and Uncle are in town so I need to go get ready to meet up with them and my parents. They saw Brennen when we went to Michigan in October. He's changed so much since then. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2009|02:06 pm] |
I've been feeling kind of off these past few weeks. I've tossed around the idea that I might be suffering from postpartum depression, but my symptoms don't really match what I've read about it. I just have zero energy. We moved in maybe a month ago and I've done very little to the place. That's why I haven't posted pictures yet. I use to really love organizing. I'm kind of a nerd about it. Yet, things are still in boxes and taking up space on the floor. As if having no energy whatsoever weren't enough, I also feel like I've lost my mind. I don't have the mental capacity to figure out how to organize something before I do it. It also takes me a while to get simple sentences out. Okay, maybe it's not that bad, but I do feel... not as smart as I used to be. It's an absolute chore to put any make-up on or do my hair. I know this stuff is natural for someone with a new baby, but Brennen is almost 7 months old now. So I'm just not sure. I don't feel detached from him at all. I actually just devote what little energy I do have to taking care of him. That's what makes me think it's not PPD.
Whatever it is, I hope it passes. Soon. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 3rd, 2009|04:25 pm] |
My little man just turned six months old. I can't believe how much time flies. At times, I feel like he's always been here, but on the other hand I feel like I just had him. It's so bittersweet to watch him grow.
We finally moved into our condo a week ago! It's exciting being alone again, but the place is still a mess. And because it is a mess and there is so much to get into.. Brennen started crawling! He's been getting up on his hands and knees for about a month now, but everyone told me they sit up before they crawl. He can sit-up, but not for long. So we were very surprised.
And he's up...more later. |
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| Sleep! Sweet glorious sleep. |
[Jan. 7th, 2009|03:57 pm] |
Brennen slept for a full 8 hours last night for the very first time. I am so happy. Of course, I did not sleep the whole 8 hours as I was worried when he did not wake up every 2-3 hours like usual, but I hope we're on to something here. I recently started to feel like I was hitting a brick wall with the lack of sleep. Completely unable to function normally. I walked every day while I was pregnant and can't even manage to take my baby for a walk every day, because I am so exhausted. I feel terrible because he loves going outside. So, I hope this is the start of something good, but we shall see. I am not getting my hopes up too high. This may have just been a fluke. He slept from 9-5, woke up, ate, slept until 7:30, ate, and probably would've slept until 9:30 like he does usually, but we had errands to run. The only downside is that my breasts were SO engorged by the time that 5a.m. feeding came that it was painful. I was glad he was waking up.
We're getting our laminate flooring installed today and our carpet in the bedrooms on Monday. We might just be able to move in the condo the weekend after this one. That is an exciting prospect. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2008|11:36 am] |
I hope everyone had a great Christmas. Mine seemed to go by way too fast. Even though we stretched it out as long as possible and only let Brennen open a few presents at a time. I still can't believe it's over. He seemed to like everything he got, but became a little overwhelmed at some point. So much stuff and only two hands to hold it all with.
Josh and I agreed not to get each other gifts this year because we bought the condo and a big new TV to go in it, but I cheated and got him a few things anyway. I wish I wouldn't have, because he seemed to feel absolutely terrible about it. My parents decided to hire someone to put the flooring in for us as their gift to us. I am so thankful! I believe he is going to do it this weekend. I can't wait to have everything done and to start getting settled. Being in transition is tiring.
Now it's time to figure out our New Year's plans. Last year we went out to dinner and that was it. Midway through dinner I nearly passed out from 1st trimester exhaustion, so we skipped doing anything else and were in bed well before midnight. This year, I'd probably have slightly more energy, but I'm reluctant to make plans. I realized last weekend at a friend's Christmas party that I'm just unable to have a good time without my baby right now. Sometimes, when I'm exhausted and he's been exceptionally demanding all day, I want nothing more than a few hours to just be an adult with other adults. But when that time actually comes I find myself becoming extremely anxious. I have to talk myself, actually coax and bribe myself out the door. I think about him the whole time. I literally ache for him. Then when the night is winding down and it's time to go home and I get extremely anxious all over again and really irritated with Josh or anyone who delays my exit. I find myself looking at the clock constantly. I also find it very hard to concentrate on having normal conversations. I have a one track mind when I'm away from him. I know I NEED time away from him. I WANT time away from him. It's good for both of us. But I can't seem to reconcile my head and my heart. I know this will ease with time, but it's very difficult right now. So New Year's is coming and I'm torn.
Hope those of you that celebrate had a very Merry Christmas! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2008|09:47 pm] |
I've turned so anti-social. It's horrible. I'd like to say that it's because I'm pregnant and nesting, but I think this started way before I got pregnant. I've always loved to go out, but not every weekend. We are constantly blowing people off and I'm running out of excuses. A big part of it is the fact that we live pretty far from anything to do, except going out to eat. You'd think I'd be all for going out to eat, but that gets old really fast. I just prefer to be in comfort zone. In my comfortable clothes, preferably in my bed. In my defense, we have had a ton of crap going on over the last 8 months or so. Since the day I found out I was pregnant it's been non-stop. Including my Grandparents visiting for two weeks, Josh's sister graduating from boot camp a few states over, his Grandpa dying, moving, school, and all the other little odds and ends that life throws at you. Oh, and we ended up having a baby shower last weekend.
That's when I really discovered how anti-social I'd become. There were 20 people or so, but most of them did not know each other. Most of them had very little in common. They all tried really hard to get to know each other, but in the end I felt exhausted from making sure everyone was enjoying themselves. I also noticed one thing that I made very clear to Josh that I WILL NOT put up with. The party started around 6. We ended up just throwing out own "celebration of our baby boy" thing. We BBQ'd and men and children were invited. We'd had some offers from people to throw us a shower, but it just seemed easier to throw our own. It's apparently pretty acceptable these days. So the party started around 6. A lot of couples that came had children. Most of the men started the night outside with Josh around grill and the women came inside with their children where I was. It's still too hot for me to be outside at 6p.m. I also avoid cigarette smoke at all costs. I always did, but I do it religiously now. So I spent most of the night indoors with the women and the men stayed outside the whole night, the exceptions being when we ate, when I opened the gifts, and for the one baby shower themed game we played. What bothered me to no end was the fact that most of these men didn't spend a minute with their children. They just stayed outside doing whatever it was that they were doing. The women didn't seem to mind too much, but I still don't think it's right. Of course, these women love their children, but a break is still nice. I just didn't understand why 1) None of these wives said to their husbands, "Hey! I've been watching these kids since the minute we walked through the door. Do you think you could keep an eye on them for a while so I can sit down and eat or just have an uninterrupted conversation for a while?" 2) None of these men thought to themselves, "Hey! My wife has been holding and taking care of the baby all night. Maybe I should go in a give her a break!" One of the Dad's did take his kid in the pool. But the sole responsibility for the children seemed to be completely on the Mothers.
I discussed that with Josh the next day. Of course, now he says that certainly won't be the case with us and I hope he means it. If not, I'll definitely remind him!
Aside from that, the baby shower was nice. People are so generous. We've managed to take care of most of the bigger baby items that we'll need so people got us a lot of clothes and other fun things. I'm going to post some pictures of the nursery in progress sometime soon. I really need to get a new digital camera. I've been researching them, but I'm pretty sure I can find equal amounts of good and bad things on every camera I read up on.
I'm sure I'll come out of this anti-social phase eventually. Probably once the baby is born and I'm back in school and I don't have time for a social life. Then I'll regret not making more of an effort to do things while I had the chance. But for now, I'm enjoying time with Josh and relaxing while I can.
Thinking more about being anti-social. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I've met some really nice people since I've moved here, but no one that I've really clicked with. I feel like I can always be myself, but I miss having friends that I felt like I didn't have to entertain.. if that makes sense. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2008|12:53 pm] |
My Grandparents came to visit us for two weeks this past Wednesday. It's great to be able to just sit and spend time with them. I saw them both in October when I went to Michigan for my cousin's wedding, but I was only there for a few days and didn't get to spend much time with them. Before that, it had been almost 4 years since I'd seen them. Way too long. I think my Grandpa's mind is starting to go a little. At least, that is what my Grandma says. He says some pretty funny of the wall things though. He started making coffee the other day and forgot to put the coffee pot in so coffee was just dripping all over. I can't say I've never done something like that before!
Things are finally starting to calm down a bit. I'm in desperate need of a vacation. I just want for Josh and I to be able to spend a few days together, alone, before this baby gets here. It mind sound a little selfish, but I know it would be good for us. Especially because "alone time" has become such a struggle since we moved in with the 'rents. I'd love to take a short cruise in May, but I don't know if it's practical to spend that kind of money right now. I also don't know if it's safe for me to be traveling to foreign countries in my third trimester. I can't imagine giving birth in the Bahamas! I need to do some research. I'm sure there are a few nice places we could drive to in Florida. Any ideas?
I'm having a hard time in school. I feel like I just can't comprehend anything. I have about a month of this semester left and then I can spend the rest of the summer focusing on this baby. I can't wait. I'm going to swim every day. At least, that's what I say now.
I also recently found out that I have become inelligible for financial aid. I've never been able to receive any because they've also based my need off of my parents income. Even when I lived in Oklahoma and they lived in Michigan. It made NO sense to me, but I couldn't do anything about it. Once you turn 24 they are supposed to look at you as and independent person. Ironically, I am now more dependent on my parents than I was then, but that doesn't seem to matter either. But anyway, I now find that I am inelligible because with the amount of credit hours I have taken I should have some kind of degree by now. I agree, I should have a degree, but they fact is that all those hours don't add up to a degree. No one more than me realizes how much time and money I wasted on classes that now will probably never count for anything. But what can I do? I plan to file an appeal and hopefully I will get something to help me through nursing school. Bastards!
I'll be six months pregnant on Saturday. The time has flown by. I feel like I get bigger every day. People notice that I am pregnant all the time now. It's still a little strange. The baby moves and kicks almost non-stop. I've used my stethoscope to try and hear his heartbeat at home, but with no luck. I have an appt. in about two weeks. It's just routine, but I'm still excited about it. Still no name picked out yet. I've gotten some stretch marks on my boobs and a few on my hips. They aren't noticeable to anyone but me, but I'm sure they are just a preview of what the next few months hold. I'm not half as devastated as I thought I'd be watching my body change.
Well, I'm off to sit in a daze through a lecture!!
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| A Rant About Smoking |
[Jan. 22nd, 2008|03:01 pm] |
Josh is on a local softball team and I try to go to all of his games. My Mom even goes regularly and my Dad goes when he can make it. I like to be outside and I like to support him. The girlfriends and wives of the other players are all very nice and we all like to get loud and heckle the other teams. It's a good time for everyone. Well, I've ALWAYS hated cigarette smoke and have become more aware of it since becoming pregnant. I realize that I am outside and there are no laws about smoking outside at this particular softball field. But it seems like everyone (including one pregnant women!) smokes. Some of them are considerate and will get off the bleachers and walk somewhere else to smoke. But most of them don't. I should not (pregnant or not) be subjected to someone else's bad habit. You can't drink and drive because you can kill someone, so why can you subject someone else to your secondhand smoke? It makes no sense to me. I realize that I can walk away or choose not to go to these games, but I shouldn't have to. My Mom is a smoker and claims smokers are discriminated against constantly. I just laugh. At least she is considerate enough to not smoke around me. It also makes me SICK to see Mothers holding their young babies in one hand and a cigarette in the other. No, blowing your smoke away from your kid's face doesn't really help!! At the last game, the umpire turned around and gave us all a dirty look. The coaches wife said, "Are we too loud?" and he responded, "It's not the noise, it's the SMOKE!". This seemed to infuriate the smokers. The actually started blowing their smoke at him. Sure, the ump is kind of an asshat, but blowing your smoke at someone is not only rude, but extremely immature.
I just can't make sense of their logic. Certainly if I were sitting on the bleachers, after a huge Mexican meal passing gas every 10 seconds, I would get some dirty looks and disgusted comments. Someone would probably even suggest that I go to bathroom. Everyone would think I was disgusting and rude for subjecting them to my gas! Yeah, a pretty foul example, but it fits. |
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| My life |
[Jun. 29th, 2007|10:15 pm] |
Josh and I started our premarital counseling tonight. Our psychologist is quite the character. He seems like he really knows what he is doing though and that is comforting. It seemed like my mind was blank the whole time we were in there though. I was nervous. There really isn't anyone who knows every detail of our relationship and it's a little intimidating knowing that by the end of this, this doctor will know so much about us. Josh and I agreed to answer every question the guys asks 100% honestly. I can't wait to see what we are going to learn.
I started summer school this past Wednesday. I'm back in the tunnel. The end, of course, being a degree. I can't see the light yet though. But I'm excited to be back in school. I never thought I'd be one of THOSE people, but I love school. I hope (once I graduate) that I never have to go too long without at least taking some kind of class.
My month long vacation to California was really nice. I love that place. I would absolutely love to live there... if I were rich! Heather has a beautiful house though. Five minutes from the beach. She's so lucky! Mia has grown so much since I saw her less than a year ago. She is almost 4! She's such a beauty!
I haven't worked out once since I've been back from California. I lost about 5 of the 15lbs. I've gained since I moved to Florida. I know I can lose the other 10, but it's so damn hot and humid here. I guess I need to get up and go running before the sun comes up. I think I'll try that out on Monday. Better charge up the ipod.
Josh and I have set an extremely tentative date for our wedding. March of 08. I guess that's just a month and year and not a date at all. I've started doing some research. There is so much to consider. The only family we have here is my Mom and Dad. Every single other one of our guests (besides the friends we've made since we moved here) would be flying in and staying in a hotel. We thought, since everyone will be flying anyway, of doing a destination wedding. But I really don't know. We need to start making some serious decisions. We need a game plan! |
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[Apr. 16th, 2007|12:24 pm] |
Josh and I have been engaged almost 4 months now and in that time we've done a lot of talking and I've done a lot of thinking about the future. I've realized that we both have very different pictures of the future. The idea of having children scares the hell out of me and at this point it's not even something I really want to imagine. I've started feeling the pressure of growing up. Josh's dream is to buy a house (ideally in Texas near his family) have a few kids, and live out the rest of our lives. He's simple and just wants the American dream. Having kids doesn't feel like a priority to me. I just want to live near the water. I want to have a boat. I want to have the money to really concentrate on the things I love to do. I want to TRAVEL! I never want to stop going to school. We've also started talking about the wedding. His family is in Texas and mine is in Michigan. We have friends all over. So what kind of wedding would we have? I just don't see the point in trying to have a traditional wedding with the 10 guests we'd probably have (if we're lucky). I guess that is a bridge we'll cross when we get to it. Other than these huge issues we will have to work out.. I feel more in love than ever. We're communicating at a new level and it's amazing.
Another amazing thing? My new bed. We finally bought a bed about a month ago. We've had two beds in the course of our relationship one new and one used and they both sucked. We finally decided to just spend the money and invest in our health. We bought a king size Stearns and Foster Andalucia. Then I found some 600 thread count sheets at TJ Max for about a 1/3 of what I would've paid for them somewhere else. We also got new pillows and new fluffy down comforter. I've never felt so rested in my life. The hardest part now is leaving the bed...
Saturday night I took Josh to see Against Me! in Gainesville. This was the second time I've seen them and the first for him. It was actually the first show he'd ever been to that wasn't outdoors and it wasn't country. He wasn't really into them before the show, but he went along because they are such a big deal to me. The first show was amazing and this last time was no exception. It was something like a religious experience for me. The venue was small and cramped and seriously as hot as a sauna. We left soaked from head to toe in sweat. The energy from the band and from the crowd was awesome. I got home, showered, and laid down thinking I'd get the best nights sleep ever.. but I couldn't sleep at all. Too much adrenaline. I can't wait to see them again. |
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